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This week's guest is Alexis Fernandez-Preiksa, a neuroscientist, best-selling author and host of the incredibly popular "Do You F*cking Mind?" podcast.
Cass is joined by Alexis Fernandez-Preiksa, a neuroscientist, best-selling author and host of the incredibly popular "Do You F*cking Mind?" podcast.
The conversation explores how Alexis discovered her love for cognitive neuroscience and how she uses her knowledge to optimise her own health, happiness and success. She urges listeners to conduct an inventory of what they identify with to foster flexibility and resilience in their lives. She argues that rigid identities can limit personal growth. Through her tough-love approach, Alexis encourages individuals to embrace their evolving selves and to question the labels they assign to their personas.
She discusses the concept of self-critique versus self-criticism, advocating for a more constructive approach to personal evaluation. This shift allows you to recognise self-limiting behaviours without engaging in harmful negative self-talk.
Cass & Alexis discuss the importance of agency in mental health, encouraging listeners to take control of their thoughts and actions, thereby transforming their experiences of discomfort into opportunities for growth.
Alexis offers practical advice on setting realistic goals, stressing that everyone has the capacity to change and grow, regardless of their starting point, and that recognising one’s ability to influence their own thoughts and behaviours is crucial for fostering a positive relationship with yourself.
This episode is a treasure trove of insights for anyone looking to understand the dynamics of their mind better and to cultivate a happier, more fulfilling life.
Takeaways:
Connect with Alexis:
https://www.instagram.com/doyoufckingmind/
Connect with Cass:
www.instagram.com/crappytohappypod
Watch this episode on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@CrappytoHappy
00:00 - None
00:04 - Introduction to Crappy to Happy
03:39 - Alexis's Journey to Neuroscience
09:40 - The Journey to Discovery: Embracing New Paths
11:57 - Embracing Change: The Power of Self-Reflection
22:21 - The Batman Effect: Embracing Alter Egos
26:40 - Setting Goals for the New Year
34:14 - Understanding Discomfort: Choosing Our Path
40:09 - The Power of Change: Understanding Resilience and Agency
42:07 - Building a Relationship with Yourself
Cass Dunn
This is Crappy to Happy and I am your host, Cass Dunn.
Cass Dunn
I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist and mindfulness meditation teacher and of course author of the Crappy to Happy books.
Cass Dunn
In this show I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent people who are experts in their field and who have something of value to share that will help you feel less crappy and more happy.
Cass Dunn
Welcome to this week's episode of Crappy to Happy.
Cass Dunn
This week my guest is none other than the fabulous Alexis Fernandez Prexa.
Cass Dunn
You may know Alexis is the host of the wildly successful podcast do you Effing Mind.
Cass Dunn
Alexis is a neuroscientist, a best selling author, qualified personal trainer, content creator and she is passionate about helping people change their relationships with themselves by understanding how their brain works.
Cass Dunn
She combines psychology, neuroscience and a very down to earth, tough love, no holds barred approach to helping you achieve everything that you want in life.
Cass Dunn
It's the start of a brand new year.
Cass Dunn
She's got lots of advice, lots of tools that you can access to help you to set goals and achieve them.
Cass Dunn
She's got an audiobook called how to Chase Change which we will talk about without further ado.
Cass Dunn
Here's Alexis.
Cass Dunn
Alexis, welcome to the Crappy D Happy Podcast.
Alexis
The.
Alexis
Thank you for having me.
Alexis
I'm very excited.
Cass Dunn
Yeah, such a pleasure to meet you.
Cass Dunn
I've known you and followed you for a while now.
Cass Dunn
I heard about your podcast by word of mouth, which I think is how it got to grow as big as it has.
Alexis
Exactly.
Alexis
Yep.
Alexis
I was very lucky with that.
Alexis
Yeah, very loyal.
Cass Dunn
Fan base, listener base, spreading the word.
Cass Dunn
But Alexis, let's just.
Cass Dunn
I'd love to find out a bit more about you.
Cass Dunn
So what I had heard was that you had were a pilates instructor at one stage.
Cass Dunn
I know you had aspirations to be an actress.
Cass Dunn
So how did you end up pursuing a career in neuroscience?
Alexis
So I actually, while I was.
Alexis
So when, okay, through high school and just out of high school, my dream was I want to be a film star.
Alexis
I set my goal really, really high and I loved acting.
Alexis
I loved doing anything with acting, short films, whatever I could get my hands on.
Alexis
So that was the goal.
Alexis
I moved to Sydney at, I think it was 18 and I did a year at Sydney Theater School.
Alexis
But as anyone who's listening here knows, acting is just like, it's such a shit show.
Alexis
Like the.
Alexis
Just the arts industry in general.
Alexis
I feel like any creative industry is really difficult just to get an in and for me it just absolutely wasn't happening.
Alexis
But at the same time, while I was pushing for that.
Alexis
I thought, well, why don't I go to uni in the meantime?
Alexis
Because I'm not even getting a role.
Alexis
And I thought that I was kind of sitting on my ass and I thought, maybe I can find something that I can do in the meantime that I like.
Alexis
So I started doing a Bachelor of Arts and I chose randomly on a whim.
Alexis
I can't tell you why, but one of the mix of subjects that I chose was psychology.
Alexis
And probably less than, maybe less than 10 weeks in, there was a guest lecturer who was talking about neuroanatomy.
Alexis
And for the first time, I think ever, I was just captivated.
Alexis
I thought, oh my God, I.
Alexis
I don't want this lecture to end.
Alexis
I wish the whole subject was like this.
Alexis
I just, I loved.
Alexis
I was hanging onto his every word.
Alexis
So then at the end of the lecture, I ran down and I was like, where can I do more of these subjects?
Alexis
This is unbelievable.
Alexis
And he's like, why don't you change your major?
Alexis
Why don't you change to cognitive neuroscience?
Alexis
So that's what I did straight away.
Alexis
I changed my major and I did cognitive neuroscience.
Alexis
And it was unbelievable.
Alexis
We were dissecting human brains.
Cass Dunn
Oh, my God.
Cass Dunn
Yeah.
Alexis
It's so, so extreme.
Alexis
But I was there for it, loving every second of it.
Alexis
I can't, I can't even explain.
Alexis
Like, my face lights up when I think about it, but still, always that just became just, oh, this is something I really enjoy.
Alexis
But I want to be an actor.
Alexis
I want to be an actor.
Alexis
So I finished uni and then I moved.
Alexis
That was in Queensland, moved to Sydney and was really trying to pursue acting.
Alexis
It absolutely wasn't happening.
Alexis
There ended up being a six year gap between finishing my undergrad and deciding to go back and do my masters.
Alexis
And in those six years, I was kind of slow vlogging it out doing acting.
Alexis
Then I quit acting, which was for me personally, a really good decision.
Alexis
I think when you finally know when to quit and to pull the pin, it was really, actually quite cathartic for me to do that.
Alexis
I lived in Paris twice, I lived in la.
Alexis
I at the same time became a Pilates instructor and a personal trainer.
Alexis
And I was getting really good at that.
Alexis
I thought maybe I would open up my own Pilates studio.
Alexis
I thought for fitness was kind of the end goal at that point.
Alexis
But always in the back of my mind, I wanted to study the brain again.
Alexis
I didn't even know what career.
Alexis
I just wanted to return to studying the brain because it, it made Me, the happiest out of anything I'd ever done.
Alexis
Korea didn't have an idea, but I loved studying the brain.
Alexis
So I just applied for my Masters, thinking, I won't get in, but I'll find out what I need to get in.
Alexis
And I got in.
Alexis
So I thought, oh, shit.
Alexis
And so I deferred because I was like, I'm not ready.
Alexis
I don't know what I'm doing.
Alexis
And then one year later, I started the Masters, and it was just better than I had imagined.
Alexis
It was unbelievable.
Alexis
And after one year of my Masters, that's when I started the podcast.
Alexis
And the reason I started the podcast was purely because I thought, I want an outlet to teach people what I'm learning.
Alexis
I thought, maybe I can finally combine my love of being on a stage and my love of science.
Alexis
And I thought, I'll be a lecturer.
Alexis
So a good practice to be a lecturer.
Alexis
Maybe I should have a YouTube channel or an Instagram page or a podcast.
Alexis
Podcast.
Alexis
I was kind of throwing the ideas around.
Alexis
I didn't know which one I'd lean into, purely as kind of an outlet for me to talk about a topic I was so obsessed with.
Alexis
And then my friends had me on as a guest on their podcast, and I thought, this is the coolest thing ever.
Alexis
I'm doing a podcast.
Alexis
And so unlike, I think, I mean, everyone starts a podcast for different reasons, but for me was.
Alexis
That was the reason.
Alexis
And it took off.
Alexis
It just took off pretty quickly as well.
Alexis
It was a bit of a perfect storm.
Alexis
I mean, the topic itself, as you would know, almost everyone can relate to.
Alexis
We all have a brain.
Alexis
We all have moods that fluctuate.
Alexis
So.
Alexis
And it was at the same time as Covid as well.
Alexis
So it was just quite a good perfect storm at the same time.
Alexis
And, yeah, the success of the podcast has all been thanks to, you know, word of mouth and people spreading it.
Alexis
And here we are.
Cass Dunn
Here you are.
Cass Dunn
So.
Cass Dunn
Because it's huge now.
Alexis
Yeah, yeah, it's.
Alexis
It's honestly huge.
Alexis
And not just in Australia.
Alexis
So Australia only accounts for about probably 40% of my audience.
Alexis
US is probably another 35%.
Alexis
And then the rest is global.
Alexis
I've got, like, random markets that do well, like Germany and the Netherlands and obviously New Zealand.
Alexis
But, yeah, it's really, really cool to see it, like, pop off in different countries.
Alexis
It's pretty.
Alexis
Pretty amazing.
Cass Dunn
It is.
Cass Dunn
It is.
Cass Dunn
And you just answered what was going to be my next question, which was, then, how did you end up starting the podcast?
Cass Dunn
Like, what inspired that?
Cass Dunn
What I love about your story is that it is this perfect blend of the part of you that wanted to perform and the part of you that loves science.
Cass Dunn
I think so often people go looking for what's the perfect thing, and you don't actually know.
Cass Dunn
I mean, you only join the dots kind of in hindsight.
Cass Dunn
Like, it just.
Cass Dunn
If you just follow your curiosity and follow what lights you up, definitely.
Alexis
And I think what.
Alexis
What really stumps a lot of people is they'll be.
Alexis
And it's not that you shouldn't be specific on a dream.
Alexis
I think if you know exactly what you want, absolutely go for that first.
Alexis
But I think you'll be surprised at how many different things within the realm of what you want, you would be very happy in.
Alexis
So if you really break it down, if I ask myself, why did I like acting?
Alexis
I loved having an audience.
Alexis
I loved performing, but I also really loved being myself.
Alexis
And acting wasn't necessarily that.
Alexis
I loved improv, where I was me.
Alexis
And, you know, like, that was my favorite part.
Alexis
So technically, I'm actually doing something I prefer a lot more now.
Alexis
So sometimes, you know, if.
Alexis
If you like something, ask yourself, what is it about this thing that I like and how many other things could I apply that to?
Alexis
And you'll be surprised.
Alexis
There's many other avenues that you could take that might suit you more and you might love way more and might be more within your control, which for me was podcasting.
Alexis
Yeah.
Cass Dunn
Yeah.
Cass Dunn
The other thing that I heard you say was that you never.
Cass Dunn
Because you were so into drama and acting, that you never really considered yourself to be an academic type, and you'd kind of almost written off university as an option.
Alexis
Yes, yes, big time.
Alexis
I did.
Alexis
I refused.
Alexis
I even hated that I had to do mathematics in high school.
Alexis
I was trying to get out of it, but that was the.
Alexis
The one.
Alexis
Even, like math and English, you could not get out of everything else.
Alexis
You could, you know, And I was like, oh, but I'm not academic.
Alexis
I.
Alexis
I did dance, drama, art, you know, everything that was totally the opposite of science.
Alexis
I kick myself.
Alexis
I mean, it's so long ago, it doesn't matter, but I kick myself.
Alexis
I would have loved science had I given it a chance.
Alexis
And I think it's just so cool that I had this idea I'll just go to uni because I don't want to be, you know, and I end up doing a science degree and then a master's in science, which I think is really good for anyone listening.
Alexis
The label you put on yourself is not a permanent label unless you make it.
Alexis
So we are so quick to say, I'm not a morning person.
Alexis
I'm not academic, I'm not smart, I'm not book smart, I'm not this, I'm not that.
Alexis
But you're making it that way because you're choosing to stay that.
Alexis
That might be your past.
Alexis
You might be talking about who you have been, but if you want to be academic, you are academic, you know.
Alexis
So I think it was really cool for me to discover a love for science, because even with the podcast, so many of my audience members say, I never thought I'd want to study science.
Alexis
I'm now doing a degree in science because.
Cass Dunn
Amazing.
Alexis
The podcast.
Alexis
Yeah, it's really cool.
Cass Dunn
And what I was thinking about when I was listening to your story too, was that I think there are people who maybe are in that box if I am academic.
Cass Dunn
And they've always been very good at school, and so they almost feel like their path is predestined.
Cass Dunn
And so there's just an expectation that they'll go to university.
Cass Dunn
It's just a matter of whether the medicine or law, you know, that kind of thing.
Cass Dunn
And what I hear in you and in your story is that because it was unexpected, there's just this enthusiasm for it, which then, like, you obviously wanted to share.
Cass Dunn
Whereas people who have are just following the.
Cass Dunn
The expected path, the kind of predestined almost path, they just don't.
Cass Dunn
Maybe they do.
Cass Dunn
Maybe they would still enjoy it, maybe they do still love it.
Cass Dunn
But there's.
Cass Dunn
I don't hear that level of kind of enthusiasm.
Alexis
Ye.
Cass Dunn
And excitement.
Alexis
Totally.
Alexis
And.
Alexis
And I think with a lot of people, we end up kind of saying, oh, I'm good at this.
Alexis
I'll just stay doing this just because I'm good at it.
Alexis
If I had stayed doing what I was good at and not branching off, I would be probably owning my own Pilates studio, which is not.
Alexis
I'd probably have a good life.
Alexis
I'd probably like it, but I would have never experienced this avenue that my life took.
Alexis
And I'm really grateful that I did.
Alexis
And so sometimes you should be curious.
Alexis
You should ask yourself often, am I still happy doing this?
Alexis
It's okay to want other things.
Alexis
It's okay to want different.
Alexis
That's like we're ever evolving beings.
Alexis
You should never feel that it's a waste if you've started in a career and then you think, but I wish I was more creative, or I wish I was working with people more, or whatever.
Alexis
Whatever it is, I think it's we should ask ourselves those questions way more.
Alexis
But like, people get stuck in a career for 20, 30, 40 years, you know.
Cass Dunn
Yeah.
Cass Dunn
Alexis, this podcast is coming out right at the launch of the new year, which is, as we all know, it's when everybody's setting goals and deciding what they're going to keep doing, stop doing, do more of, you know, got all of those resolutions happening.
Cass Dunn
Whether you love them or you hate them, you cannot help psychologically but feel like, okay, it's a new year, fresh start.
Alexis
I know so.
Cass Dunn
And you have recently released an audiobook, you've written several books, and we can get to that later.
Cass Dunn
But you've recently released an audiobook called how to Chase change.
Cass Dunn
It's a 30 day program for mastering your mindset, which is perfect for anybody at this time of year looking to build some habits and examine their choices and how they actually make sustainable change.
Cass Dunn
Now, one of your key points in that, in that audio book is, as you just touched on, is this concept of identity.
Cass Dunn
And I would love for you to talk a little about that, about how you do, how you define identity and how it can either kind of make or break, how it kind of supports, support you or actually undermine you in terms of achieving goals and making change.
Alexis
Definitely.
Alexis
So I feel like identity is obviously what we identify with.
Alexis
It's who we are and who we say we are.
Alexis
And a lot of our language kind of reinforces this identity.
Alexis
And if it goes unchecked, you may very well be identifying with things that don't actually serve you at all.
Alexis
So I always say to people, and if you, if whoever listens to the book, they'll hear this, but you should do a little bit of an inventory on what you identify with and you should identify with as little as possible because it makes you so much more flexible, you know, like it makes you become a, you have a flexible mind.
Alexis
And that's really, at least for me, that's the most I could ever wish for.
Alexis
Because when you have a flexible mind, you're adaptable, you're resilient, you're dynamic.
Alexis
There's, you know, you can, you can make the most of almost any situation.
Alexis
So sometimes we'll have a very fixed identity of what I'm capable of, what I'm, what I'm willing to do, what kind of person I am, who I identify with, what kind of people I hang out with, my likes, my dislikes.
Alexis
Sometimes it's fine to have all those things, but to make them I am, this is part of me can actually be a little Bit detrimental.
Alexis
Same as, you know, it also can be.
Alexis
You can get offended really easily.
Alexis
Like if you identify so heavily with a celebrity or a sporting group or a political party and someone makes a statement about that political party, you can't even argue properly because you take it as a personal offense.
Alexis
Instead of saying, that's interesting, let's have a debate.
Alexis
You know, you're making a criticism on something that's outside of me, and I'm willing to look at it and I might even see it through a new lens.
Alexis
And now I can, you know, it makes us less biased.
Alexis
And I'm always working on it too.
Alexis
I'm not saying, oh, I don't do it, but I'm always checking myself being like, are you getting offended?
Alexis
And why are you too attached to this thing?
Alexis
And can someone teach you something?
Alexis
But am I not willing to learn?
Alexis
Because it's like, oh, no, that's a stab at me.
Alexis
So I feel like the less we take offense, the less.
Alexis
Well, the less we identify with things, the less it offends us, the more open we are to learning, changing or reinforcing what we believe, which is fine.
Alexis
And the better you are at finding out what really works for you.
Alexis
Because so many people identify with things just because their friends do or just because their parents did or just because their religious group did or their culture did.
Alexis
And it may not serve you and you'll be stuck in that path resenting the people around you because it doesn't feel right, but it's just who you are and you think you have to live that way.
Alexis
So that part of the book is really big because it's kind of an opportunity for you to be like, do I still want to have this as my identity?
Alexis
Because I have the.
Alexis
I can shake this off if I want.
Cass Dunn
I just think that is such good advice.
Cass Dunn
Such like, it really, really is.
Cass Dunn
And you know, you talk to about.
Cass Dunn
And I was.
Cass Dunn
Even as I listen, I can think of times in my own life, like I went through a period of time just as an example for listeners as well.
Cass Dunn
Like, I went through a period where I was vegan.
Cass Dunn
And I didn't just become vegan.
Cass Dunn
I decided I needed to open up a vegan store.
Cass Dunn
And so I became like one of the first online vegan stores to exist in Australia.
Cass Dunn
You know, this is 18 years ago or something.
Cass Dunn
And.
Cass Dunn
And then after a few years, like, it wasn't working for me, like it.
Cass Dunn
And I'm still was completely on board with all of the philosophies and the values of the vegan lifestyle and etc.
Cass Dunn
But it was so much harder to make that change because it becomes this part of, like, your identity and not just for yourself, but this alignment with a group.
Cass Dunn
And it almost feels like I'm going against the group.
Alexis
Yes.
Cass Dunn
If I make this personal change just for me.
Alexis
And I think on.
Alexis
Yeah, right.
Alexis
Yeah, I know exactly what you're saying and it's, it's true.
Alexis
And then because of that, you probably found it even harder to change because you're thinking, I'm letting people down.
Alexis
They're who I'm them, they are me.
Alexis
And so you're so torn.
Alexis
And then the guilt.
Alexis
And then once you've got guilt, then you're really stuck because some people just, it's like, I can't, I can't do.
Cass Dunn
It, you know, which is just, if you think about it, just ridiculous.
Cass Dunn
Like, this is just a personal choice for an individual and we just attach so much to it.
Alexis
I know, I know.
Alexis
It's so true.
Alexis
It's so true.
Alexis
So the beauty about that is it opens your eyes to be like, what's actually serving me?
Alexis
What's not?
Alexis
What do I need to feel guilty about?
Alexis
And what don't I need to feel guilty about?
Alexis
Because guilt is fine if it's something where you've actually done something wrong and there's a lesson to be learned, but not where it's put on you unnecessarily and it's just like eroding at you for no reason.
Cass Dunn
Yeah.
Cass Dunn
Now this brings me to one of the biggest issues that, you know, women in my community and my listeners experience is self criticism.
Cass Dunn
Right.
Cass Dunn
Really, really harsh self judgment.
Cass Dunn
And so I'm always banging on and on and on about self compassion.
Cass Dunn
You have introduced me to this idea of self critique as opposed to self criticism, which I was really intrigued by.
Cass Dunn
Let's talk about self critique because I love that concept.
Alexis
Yeah.
Alexis
Okay.
Alexis
So I think that it's.
Alexis
When it comes to this idea of criticism, sometimes we think, well, I've got to learn to not criticize myself at all.
Alexis
I've got to look.
Alexis
But really, that's unrealistic to not say anything negative about yourself because like I mentioned earlier, we're always evolving.
Alexis
We're always learning new things.
Alexis
You're going to do things that aren't perfect, that, that aren't right.
Alexis
The issue is when we put ourselves down and criticize ourselves to the extent where we are character assassinating ourselves versus picking up on a behavior and saying, how can I improve this?
Alexis
What could be done better?
Alexis
And you're almost looking at it like I'm coaching myself.
Alexis
So I'm being really helpful.
Alexis
I can still pick out things that aren't working for me or could have improved or where maybe I shouldn't do that again.
Alexis
But instead of attacking myself, I'm really instead critiquing and saying, that's interesting.
Alexis
I wonder why I did that.
Alexis
It's probably because of this, okay, cool, maybe I can learn.
Alexis
And then it's actually helpful.
Alexis
It actually ends up being productive for you.
Alexis
When you talk down to yourself, when you engage in negative self talk, when you criticize yourself in that way, you are more likely doing this like character assassination, which is more like, I'm an idiot, I'm a failure.
Alexis
Yeah, so embarrassing.
Alexis
Everyone's going to.
Alexis
Everyone's going to remember this one thing I said for the rest of their life.
Alexis
I this, I that.
Alexis
And then it's paralyzing because then when you try and do that same thing again, you, you've got all these demons and you've met, you've catastrophized.
Alexis
Where often most people in general aren't thinking what you're thinking about yourself, you know, maybe they had a fleeting negative thought, but that they just don't care because we're all in our own head.
Alexis
So they're preoccupied with dealing with their own lives.
Alexis
So critiquing is, I think, a really good way.
Alexis
Think of how you would speak to a best friend when they did something wrong.
Alexis
You'd still raise it, but you talk about their behavior.
Alexis
You wouldn't talk about them as a person.
Cass Dunn
Yes.
Cass Dunn
And with a much more balanced perspective and appreciation of what is good about them.
Alexis
Exactly.
Cass Dunn
Well, exactly.
Cass Dunn
And yeah, I think that's the issue, isn't it?
Cass Dunn
And I feel like in order to get to that place of being able to actually be a willing and able to critique yourself, like to be balanced in your evaluation of yourself and the behaviors or what you could have done better.
Cass Dunn
There does need to be some level of self acceptance.
Cass Dunn
Like self, but self awareness and self acceptance.
Cass Dunn
Otherwise, as you say in the audiobook, you're only going to go down the path of being defensive.
Alexis
That's right.
Alexis
That's right.
Cass Dunn
Like doubling down.
Cass Dunn
Yeah, potentially.
Alexis
And the funny thing is, the more you are willing to, you know, critique yourself, but in, in a productive way, the more you are willing to be like, okay, that's something.
Alexis
That's, you know, this is something to do with my behavior.
Alexis
It's not me.
Alexis
You don't feel attacked by you anymore.
Alexis
You start to notice that you Become your own friend.
Alexis
You're on your side, and you're actually more likely to try new things, take more risks.
Alexis
Risks, because you start feeling like you are on your side, that you have your own back.
Alexis
And when you switch to being like, how can I constructively break down this situation so it's helpful and not damaging, you start to shake off this idea that I'm a failure, I'm not good enough.
Alexis
I'm this, I'm that, You know?
Alexis
So it's kind of, and I mentioned this in the book again, but it's kind of this difference between growth mindset and fixed mindset, where one is this deep belief in who I am.
Alexis
Whereas growth, Growth mindset is more.
Alexis
I can learn, I can try, I can keep doing this.
Alexis
I, I, I feel like I get more out of praise for effort than I do for achievement and things like that.
Cass Dunn
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cass Dunn
So important.
Cass Dunn
Speaking of growth mindset, it's every, Everything that you say is just leading me into the next thing I was going to ask you about.
Cass Dunn
It's like, perfect.
Cass Dunn
Another thing that I, and you know, I'm a psychologist, so I've heard of a lot of these concepts and I teach a lot of this as well.
Cass Dunn
But there's so many ideas that you have shared that I thought, oh, that actually really good.
Cass Dunn
I'm going to use that for sure.
Cass Dunn
The Batman effect.
Cass Dunn
Can we talk about that?
Cass Dunn
I'm going to order that other book, by the way.
Cass Dunn
But yeah, let's talk about the Batman effect.
Alexis
So the Batman effect, I'd love to quote who did it?
Alexis
It's not coming top of mind.
Alexis
It's in my book.
Alexis
But the Batman effect was a study that was done on children, and they wanted to see how long children would try at a task.
Alexis
And they broke them down into different groups.
Alexis
One group, they were just being themselves.
Alexis
The other group, they were, I think they were asked to.
Alexis
There were three groups.
Alexis
The middle group, I believe it was them, like, trying to.
Alexis
Like they were, they were encouraging them to try harder, something like that.
Alexis
But one group, they had to assume an alter ego.
Alexis
And in this scenario, it was Batman.
Alexis
So the kids were, I'm Batman.
Alexis
I'm Batman.
Alexis
I'm Batman.
Alexis
And then they got them doing this task.
Alexis
The thing was, there was actually no solution to this task that they were doing some sort of a puzzle.
Alexis
There was no actual solution.
Alexis
So you couldn't actually solve this task.
Alexis
They just wanted to see how long the kids would be willing to try before giving up.
Alexis
And the group where the children assumed an alter ego Like a superhero or Batman in this scenario, lasted the longest in effort.
Alexis
They kept trying.
Alexis
They kept trying.
Alexis
And they were saying things like, well, Batman wouldn't give up.
Alexis
Batman would keep going.
Alexis
Batman this.
Alexis
And they were having fun.
Alexis
They were having a really good time.
Alexis
They weren't thinking, I'm an idiot.
Alexis
I'm not getting this.
Alexis
I give up.
Alexis
I give up.
Alexis
You know where you get frustrated?
Alexis
They just kept going and going and trying because Batman wouldn't give up.
Alexis
And that concept, this idea of the alter ego and yeah, definitely.
Alexis
Go read that book.
Alexis
It's a great book.
Alexis
The Alter Ego Effect.
Alexis
It's this idea that just a simple shift in how you approach a challenge, how you approach hard work or any situation, whether it be having an alter ego, whether you're imagining that you're in a different situation, instantly changes the level of effort, but also a reduction in your stress and in your frustration.
Alexis
You actually have a lot more fun.
Alexis
And like a little anecdote.
Alexis
My cousin and I, because I grew up very, very close with my cousin, my mom and auntie would always put us to, like, clean the kitchen or clean the bathrooms or whatever.
Alexis
And my cousin and I, even as kids, we just had this.
Alexis
I don't know why we thought this, but we had this game that we played that we were servants to the Queen and we would have to do it by a certain time.
Alexis
We had so much fun cleaning the kitchen, the bathroom, folding the clothes, whatever.
Alexis
Our mums would have been like, this is a great game.
Alexis
We're just going to keep giving them, like, tasks to do.
Alexis
And because we were together, we were playing.
Alexis
I don't think at any point we ever complained about these house chores because we had this unintentional alter ego thing.
Alexis
We had this role that we were playing, and it just became role play.
Alexis
And we had so much fun.
Cass Dunn
It is such an interesting concept.
Cass Dunn
And.
Cass Dunn
And I would love to read the book.
Cass Dunn
I will read the book.
Cass Dunn
The Alter Ego Effect.
Cass Dunn
So there's apparently loads of examples of really successful people.
Cass Dunn
Athletes.
Cass Dunn
Athletes.
Alexis
Beyonce.
Cass Dunn
Beyonce, really?
Alexis
It's Sasha Fierce.
Alexis
So she was actually really, really big, timid.
Alexis
And he speaks about this, about her whole, like, case as a case study.
Alexis
But she was so, so timid.
Alexis
And she, you know, grew up in a church and was like a church singer.
Alexis
But to be in these, like, skimpy outfits on a stage, it really took a lot for her.
Alexis
So that's where she assumed this alter ego.
Alexis
And she thought, well, it's not Beyonce getting on stage.
Alexis
It's Sasha Fierce.
Alexis
And she would tell that to herself.
Alexis
And she could be a completely different version of herself on stage.
Alexis
Stage.
Alexis
And then it became so big that she titled an album after it.
Cass Dunn
I just had little chills when you told that story.
Cass Dunn
There's something incredible.
Cass Dunn
Yeah.
Alexis
Very cool.
Alexis
It's.
Alexis
It's amazing what your mind can do as far as hindering, but also pushing you forward.
Alexis
Like, once you understand these little tools that we have, that's underlying.
Alexis
And you would understand as a psychologist.
Cass Dunn
Yeah.
Alexis
So much that so many of us don't even realize is there.
Alexis
Once you start scraping the surface, you're like, I can use my brain as a crazy tool.
Alexis
I can trick my brain to work in my favor by little things like that.
Cass Dunn
Yeah.
Cass Dunn
What do you reckon are the three from your perspective and that all of the questions that you're getting from listeners and all the speaking that you do when it comes to.
Cass Dunn
I'm setting myself a goal.
Cass Dunn
I really want things to be different this year.
Cass Dunn
I've been doing this for too long.
Cass Dunn
This is all the standard stuff that comes up beginning of the year.
Cass Dunn
People who have tried and failed, you know, and they almost have.
Cass Dunn
It's almost like they're resigned to, like, why.
Cass Dunn
What's going to be different this time?
Cass Dunn
Often people will have.
Cass Dunn
They'll have all of this hope and optimism, but there's this little voice in the heads that, like, oh, my.
Cass Dunn
Like, it's never worked before.
Cass Dunn
So, you know, it's almost starting off defeatist.
Cass Dunn
Like, what are some of the most helpful hacks?
Cass Dunn
I guess that.
Cass Dunn
Not hacks, I hate that word.
Cass Dunn
But the tools that you could share to really help people.
Cass Dunn
Using neuroscience to really help position people to, you know, get the most from this new year.
Alexis
So much.
Alexis
There's so much that we have at our disposal.
Alexis
It's just very exciting.
Alexis
So the first.
Alexis
The number one thing that I would say is you have to.
Alexis
Okay, there's a thousand things.
Alexis
There's a million things.
Alexis
I'm like.
Alexis
With all these ideas, okay, so the first one is you want to.
Alexis
You want to take.
Alexis
You want to put yourself in the shoes of your weakest self.
Alexis
Like, we've got this delusion, all of us, myself included, single one of us, that there is a version of us that exists on Monday or next year or outside of right now that is willing to do what we're not willing to do right now.
Alexis
Okay.
Alexis
We all have that.
Alexis
And if you're not willing to look at that and not willing to say, okay, well, what am I willing to do right now?
Alexis
Even if it's just literally Walking one lap of the block right now.
Alexis
If I'm not willing to do that right now, why do I think the may of tomorrow will?
Alexis
And if you can't answer that, then you need to shrink the goalpost.
Alexis
Like bring the goalpost closer.
Alexis
Because so many of us set ourselves so many big goals, especially in January, we think, right, I'm going to get up at 5am, I'm going to only drink, you know, water until this time.
Alexis
And we've got this huge list.
Alexis
We expect so much from ourselves in an instant.
Alexis
And of course, it's so overwhelming, it's really, really hard because none of them are habits yet none of them are part of our habitual way of living, that everything is conscious effort, which is just exhausting if every single thing we do is conscious and not automatic.
Alexis
So then of course we give up because it's awful.
Alexis
And then we think, I'm a failure.
Alexis
But you're not a failure.
Alexis
Your setup was flawed, but you are not a failure.
Alexis
You just haven't set it up properly.
Alexis
So the first thing that I would suggest is that you become a person of your word.
Alexis
Okay?
Alexis
You've got to promise yourself from now on, I am following through with what I say.
Alexis
And if I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to say it.
Alexis
And the best thing you can do is you start off with one thing a day that you promise yourself.
Alexis
Ideally not something that you normally do.
Alexis
So not, I'm going to brush my teeth tonight because hopefully you're already doing that, but something that you weren't, you don't normally do.
Alexis
And it doesn't matter how small it is.
Alexis
It's about becoming committed to your word.
Alexis
You're going to say, from now on, I'm never again going to go back on my word, especially with myself.
Alexis
I'm going to be so reliable and I'm going to start very small.
Alexis
So today, no matter what, before I go to bed, I'm going to reply to this person that I haven't replied to.
Alexis
It's a little task.
Alexis
I'm going to go through my cutlery drawer and wipe out the crumbs that's tiny, but it's going to take me two minutes.
Alexis
And then you start, oh, okay, there's not.
Alexis
It's been seven days and I've followed through.
Alexis
It's been 30 days and there's not been one day where I've gone back on my word.
Alexis
And then you start thinking, okay, I can actually.
Alexis
I'm a person of my word.
Alexis
You know, we we can all think of one person in our lives who's always a flake.
Alexis
We can't rely on them at all.
Alexis
Love them so much, cannot rely on them because they always go back on their word.
Alexis
And there's a person in our lives that we can probably think of that is just a person of conviction.
Alexis
And we're like, that person will never let themselves or me down.
Alexis
And that's inspiring.
Alexis
So you think, okay, if I can start trusting myself, it doesn't matter how small I start.
Alexis
It means that once I commit, it's a done deal.
Alexis
It's done.
Alexis
So start small.
Alexis
And it's.
Alexis
I know it's boring, but if you start small and incrementally start expanding the promise that you make for yourself, before you know it, you are a person of action.
Alexis
You are waking up earlier, you are doing these things, and it might take six months, but most of us spend 5, 10, 20 years going.
Alexis
Huge goals, nothing.
Alexis
Huge goals, nothing.
Alexis
Bouncing back and forth.
Alexis
And the, the biggest problem with all of that is that we then don't trust ourselves.
Alexis
Like you said, we start off defeated because we think, I'm going to fail.
Alexis
I always fail.
Alexis
I never follow through.
Alexis
I know, and it's awful.
Alexis
That's such a, like a sad way to start a goal.
Alexis
I would encourage people that I think you should set your height, your sights as high as you want for your goals.
Alexis
But let's have smaller steps along the way that we can start achieving.
Alexis
If you wake up at 8am and you want to start waking up at 6am, but you've tried it for a year straight and it's not happening, say for one week, I'm waking up at 7:50.
Alexis
I don't care.
Alexis
I'm waking up at 7: 50 and then seven photo.
Alexis
And then within six months, you're a 6:00am person or whatever the goal is.
Alexis
So we, we do things, we set the goal in the, in a place that's so painful, so uncomfortable.
Alexis
And we know that we hate discomfort and we'll do anything to avoid it.
Alexis
It's got to be uncomfortable, but not so uncomfortable that you feel like you're torturing yourself, because that's when you give up, you know?
Cass Dunn
Yeah.
Alexis
So that's one of the many things.
Cass Dunn
Feel free to share more if you want.
Cass Dunn
If you want to.
Alexis
But.
Cass Dunn
Yeah, but that.
Cass Dunn
Avoiding discomfort is another really good.
Cass Dunn
I mean, I talk about that all the time as well.
Cass Dunn
It's like we, we've got to be a little bit willing to tolerate some discomfort.
Cass Dunn
Right?
Cass Dunn
So.
Cass Dunn
And because that's Going to come up if you want to do something different.
Cass Dunn
It's going to feel uncomfortable.
Cass Dunn
What do you tell people in terms of how to distinguish between, you know, healthy discomfort and.
Cass Dunn
And when?
Cass Dunn
Actually, no, that's a.
Cass Dunn
That's a no.
Cass Dunn
And.
Cass Dunn
And you should.
Cass Dunn
I don't know.
Alexis
Yes.
Alexis
So the way I look at it, there's two kinds of discomfort.
Alexis
There's the discomfort.
Alexis
That's an active choice, and it's always going to benefit you in the long run.
Alexis
And then there's the discomfort that it's passive and it's happening to you.
Alexis
So an example of that will be, I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating well, and now I feel like I have no energy.
Alexis
I feel like, oh, my body feels sore, Steve.
Alexis
I don't feel good.
Alexis
That's discomfort for passive discomfort.
Alexis
I haven't actively taken a role in it, and I know I could have made other choices to avoid this, but this is happening.
Alexis
Discomfort as a choice, where it serves you in the long run is now I have to move my body on a daily basis.
Alexis
I'm going to say no to the second dessert.
Alexis
I'm going to say whatever it is.
Alexis
I'm going to, like, eat protein.
Alexis
I'm going to, you know, when I don't want to, when I.
Alexis
You know what I mean?
Alexis
It's these little things that I'm not really in the mood for.
Alexis
But it's an active choice for that discomfort.
Alexis
I'm choosing this over something else.
Alexis
But discomfort is always there.
Alexis
It's part of our lives we've got to look at.
Alexis
It is, you cannot avoid discomfort.
Alexis
It is impossible.
Alexis
You are either uncomfortable because you're pushing yourself to do something out of your comfort zone, which you should be doing for your brain health every single day anyway.
Alexis
You should always challenge your brain if you want longevity and, you know, for your brain as you get older, stave off degeneration.
Alexis
But the alternative to that discomfort is the discomfort of being dissatisfied from where you are in your life.
Alexis
Whether it's physical, how you're feeling, your sleep quality, the fact that you didn't go and take that risk, the fact that you never went and did that trip, the fact that you're not in the career that you want to be in, so there's the discomfort of I'm uncomfortable with my life situation, or I'm uncomfortable because I'm regretting not doing something, or I'm uncomfortable because I've got to do that uncomfortable thing right now, which will serve me later.
Alexis
But discomfort is a constant in our lives.
Alexis
So we've got to get friendly with it and we've got to choose which one we're going to go for.
Cass Dunn
That is such a great tip.
Cass Dunn
And I think that's just such an important question for people to ask themselves in that moment when I really don't want to get out of bed or I really don't want to go to the gym, like, that's, that's one way, right, that people can kind of reframe that question and go, well, it's this discomfort or it's the discomfort later when I let myself down, or I'm still in the same place six months from now.
Alexis
And, and it's not always that hard.
Alexis
It's the brain.
Alexis
So many areas of the brain, when you work it, it works like a muscle.
Alexis
You know, when you first try and do a deadlift, it's, you're not going to go for 100 kilos, you're going to do something a lot lighter.
Alexis
And even then you're probably really sore.
Alexis
The first time, and it was like, that was so hard.
Alexis
That was same as willpower, same as this, this grit.
Alexis
The first few times, it's hard, but I can guarantee you it is not always that hard.
Alexis
The discomfort that you feel getting up and doing that thing, if you, if you're relatively consistent, even a 60% hit rate of consistency is very effective.
Alexis
The discomfort you feel in a month's time versus the first time is tiny in comparison.
Alexis
You know, the body adapts very, very quickly.
Alexis
You've just got to push through the initial stages and like I said, small steps.
Alexis
So it doesn't even have to be that extreme.
Alexis
But it's going to be more uncomfortable now.
Alexis
But this is not what it's going to feel like for the rest of your life.
Alexis
It will get so much easier.
Alexis
You adapt, your brain adapts.
Alexis
It's like a muscle.
Alexis
So you've got to say, like, there's light at the end of this tunnel.
Alexis
Waking up this early will be second nature in no time, or whatever the task is.
Alexis
You might not be a morning person.
Alexis
There's nothing wrong with that.
Alexis
But whatever you've set yourself to do, think it's not always going to be this way, you know?
Cass Dunn
Yeah, yeah.
Cass Dunn
From you learning neuroscience, how have you used what you've learned to achieve your own goals?
Cass Dunn
And how do you continue to use what you've learned to move forward on goals in your life?
Alexis
I think one of the best things that you know, neuroscience and studying, you know, the mind and everything has taught me is how kind of resilient and plastic the brain is it?
Alexis
I.
Alexis
Probably my favorite thing that I've learned is life and self development and everything.
Alexis
It's not about avoiding anxiety, avoiding sad thoughts, avoiding flat days.
Alexis
It's when it occurs.
Alexis
I'm able to deal with it in a really, really healthy and productive way.
Alexis
Like, I'm not saying I never get anxious.
Alexis
Of course I get anxious.
Alexis
Of course I get my days where I'm like, I just done.
Alexis
I can't.
Alexis
I'm just tired.
Alexis
I can't.
Alexis
This crops up for me.
Alexis
I think a lot of people think, well, you know, you're just motivated and you're ready to go.
Alexis
It's not even about that.
Alexis
It's.
Alexis
It's.
Alexis
You learn the more you look at your mind, the more you look at your brain.
Alexis
You learn all these tools with, you know, neuroscience, with neuroplasticity, with everything to, okay, when I'm feeling this way, bang.
Alexis
I know how to deal with it.
Alexis
I know how to deal with it in the most productive way possible.
Alexis
I know how to process my emotions, so that way I don't avoid certain things.
Alexis
I know how to be resilient.
Alexis
I understand that physical behaviors can actually change a feeling.
Alexis
I know all these little tools.
Alexis
I know that, you know, if I'm going through emotional pain, if I do these few physical things, deep breaths, go for a run, do whatever, do this.
Alexis
I'm actually changing my.
Alexis
My emotions, my thoughts, my everything.
Alexis
You know, I feel like the coolest thing about studying neuroscience is you have a bit of a handbook to your brain and you realize that not everything is a thought.
Alexis
You can do other things that can then influence better thoughts, like your behaviors and, you know, your habits and things like that.
Alexis
I think it's.
Alexis
It's just opened my eyes to how much can be changed.
Alexis
And then from that, you become more productive.
Alexis
You become more like, my attention span is a lot better.
Alexis
My focus is this is a lot better.
Alexis
You know, time blocking and things like that.
Alexis
You just use these really simple but very effective tools.
Alexis
And it's kind of mind blowing once you put it all together into a bit of a lifestyle.
Alexis
And I don't have.
Alexis
It's not like I do it every single day.
Alexis
It's not like I have every perfect day.
Alexis
There are mornings where my intention is to get up early and I wake up and I'm like, I'm sore.
Alexis
I'm gonna sleep in.
Alexis
It's.
Alexis
That's fine.
Alexis
I think we think everything's got to be perfect.
Alexis
And when we start off and when it's not perfect, we then think, oh, well, back to square one.
Alexis
But it's not back to square one.
Alexis
You know, it doesn't have to be every single day.
Alexis
Consistency doesn't mean a hundred percent.
Alexis
It's just more often than not.
Alexis
And if you can stick to more often than not, then you're seeing huge changes.
Cass Dunn
There's just so much that you said, just in that one little spiel that we could probably unpack.
Cass Dunn
But essentially, essentially what you said, what I picked up on was when I know that I have these tools, like when I know if I'm in this mood, this is available to me, I can use this, do this with my body, I can do this with my mind, and I can help myself have a.
Cass Dunn
A shift.
Cass Dunn
And it works.
Cass Dunn
It gives me a sense of agency.
Cass Dunn
Like, it makes me feel in charge of myself and in control of my own kind of destiny instead of feeling like a victim.
Alexis
Yeah, 100%, which is so important for.
Cass Dunn
Mental health, is just to feel like you have choices, you have agency.
Alexis
That's so important.
Alexis
I think a lot of people, you know, when you're having a bad day, you feel exactly that.
Alexis
You feel completely out of, like.
Alexis
Like you have no control over what's going on.
Alexis
You feel very much like a victim to your circumstances and that you're kind of stuck and kind of trapped in that, which is awful.
Alexis
You have.
Alexis
You feel like you have no power, but there is so much you can do.
Alexis
And when you start to realize that your brain is this neutral thing, it's not there to hurt you.
Alexis
You can, you can steer it to help you, so your brain does what you train it to do for the good or for the bad.
Alexis
And a lot of us have very unintentionally trained our brains or based on our upbringing, our brains have been trained to not be helpful to us.
Alexis
But the beauty is it can be retrained to actually be helpful.
Alexis
So, I mean, I very much acknowledge that different people are at a different starting point as well.
Alexis
Some people are in a much more fortunate starting point with how their brain is to them, how their thoughts are and, you know, their, you know, internal working model and all of that.
Alexis
But no matter where you start, no matter where your starting point is, change can be made.
Alexis
That, that's the beauty about it.
Alexis
So even if it's harder for you than for others, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't give yourself the opportunity for that change.
Alexis
If anything, these people deserve the opportunity more.
Cass Dunn
So, yeah, absolutely.
Cass Dunn
Absolutely.
Cass Dunn
I've got one Last question though.
Cass Dunn
You started a podcast, really about neuroscience and the power of the mind.
Cass Dunn
I don't know when or how it happened, but you seem to have become quite, amassed quite a following around the area of dating and relationship advice.
Cass Dunn
Know if you intended that?
Cass Dunn
No, it is.
Cass Dunn
What happens has happened.
Cass Dunn
So anybody listening, like, go to Alexis for all of her great dating advice as well.
Cass Dunn
But, but you also are very, very big on the idea that the number one relationship that you should be working on is your relationship with yourself.
Alexis
Yeah.
Cass Dunn
So.
Cass Dunn
And you, you know, you mentioned before about like keeping promises to yourself.
Cass Dunn
I'm just wondering if you could leave listeners as they are starting this year, like, what would be one key piece of advice you would have about how they can cultivate a more positive relationship with themselves.
Alexis
Definitely.
Alexis
And so I'm glad you said that because I think that's probably why it became.
Alexis
I ended up doing so many things around like relationships with the narcissist or getting over a breakup or limerence and things like that is because it's just so engulfing.
Alexis
It engulfs your mind when you're heartbroken or when you're in an unhealthy relationship that you feel like you can't really function well in other areas.
Alexis
So I guess acknowledging how big a role love and romantic relationship plays on your mental health, I think that's kind of how it kind of led into that.
Alexis
But I think the main thing that people have to think about is that if you don't work on your relationship with yourself and being the one that offers yourself the most kind of support and has your back when the chips are down and, you know, validates yourself, then what happens is that you are more likely to accept things that aren't that great within your life.
Alexis
You know, if you hate being single, if you're someone that says, I just can't be single, I can't be alone, I can't, you have to ask yourself why.
Alexis
Why?
Alexis
I need to know why that is.
Alexis
Because if I tell myself that I cannot be single, then it means that I will put up with anything but being single, which then opens the door to really unhealthy relationships and really unhealthy dynamics.
Alexis
Whether you're dating a toxic person or not.
Alexis
Sometimes you can be in a relationship with a well meaning person and it still ends up being a very unhealthy relationship or one that's a waste of your time.
Alexis
It's just not working for you because you've completely.
Alexis
You're not thinking, I need to set a Standard for a relationship, you're not doing that because you're just like, I just don't want to be alone, I don't want to be alone.
Alexis
And then what happens is you end up acknowledging you're in a bad relationship, but you can't leave because you think, well, I can't be alone.
Alexis
I can't.
Alexis
You haven't done all this work on yourself.
Alexis
So I think the number one thing you got to ask yourself is to help, you know, raise the, the minimum standard should be you being single.
Alexis
That's the minimum standard, okay?
Alexis
Anyone that comes into your life has to add to that.
Alexis
It has to add to that.
Alexis
So for me, yes, I'm in a very healthy relationship.
Alexis
But prior to meeting Tyrone, I was, I'm not joking when I say I was like, I'm pretty sold on being single because I'd set my life up so good.
Alexis
I loved being single.
Alexis
And mind you, I wasn't sleeping around, I was pretty, like didn't even want to date.
Alexis
I just was loving this independent life.
Alexis
And it wasn't always like that.
Alexis
But I finally got to that point.
Alexis
But the minimum standard was so high that I thought, oh God, no one's going to come in and better this, you know.
Alexis
So yes, okay, it eliminates a lot of people that you could be dating.
Alexis
But the beauty is when you get to that point that doesn't matter because you love your own company so much and then you're thinking, why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who, you know, isn't supportive of me or puts me down, or expects me to do way more work than they do in the relationship or all these other reasons, you know.
Alexis
And I guess to answer your question, what's one way that people can start feeling better about themselves?
Alexis
Especially when you're in the topic of relationship, is so much of what you seek in a partner you actually can provide for yourself?
Alexis
We think that so much of what we want exists in someone else outside of ourselves and that's just simply not true.
Alexis
Yes, companionship is something that you get in a relationship.
Alexis
There's so many things that, true, you can only get in a relationship, but there's many things that you can provide for yourself or that you can provide in other relationships as well.
Alexis
You know, like this idea of feeling, you know, supported, feeling wanted, feeling loved, feeling validated.
Alexis
All these feelings can be provided by yourself and by your close knit group of friends.
Alexis
You know, I think we are so scared to be lonely, but lonely is a feeling.
Alexis
It's not a physical state, you know, like I've.
Alexis
I.
Alexis
The loneliest I've ever been, ever was when I was in a relationship with a very nice narcissistic person.
Alexis
I was lonely.
Alexis
And I think people don't unless they're in it and they're thinking, yeah, me too.
Alexis
Oh my God, I know how that feels because I can't talk to anyone about it.
Alexis
I feel like I'm isolated.
Alexis
And then when I was single, I never felt lonely.
Alexis
I lived alone and was single and I was surrounded by so much love.
Alexis
So I think you've got to think I need to set my life up.
Alexis
That what I'm searching for in a relationship, I can provide for myself most of it.
Alexis
And then the relationship is going to be the icing on the cake.
Cass Dunn
Brilliant.
Cass Dunn
Alexis, this has been such a pleasure.
Cass Dunn
So much fun to talk to you.
Cass Dunn
I could talk to you all day, but I know, it's great chat.
Cass Dunn
Yeah, people can go and I mean, you're always welcome to come back, but do you fucking mind?
Cass Dunn
Is the name of the podcast you've got.
Cass Dunn
You've written three books in addition to.
Cass Dunn
So the there's the how to chase Change.
Cass Dunn
What are the two other books?
Alexis
And then the two others is the Neuroscience of self Love.
Alexis
And the first book that I ever wrote was Bebop Cold.
Alexis
So that's just in general, just about confidence pretty much.
Cass Dunn
Oh, that'll be a winner with my audience.
Cass Dunn
I'll put all of the links in the show notes.
Cass Dunn
Been such a pleasure.
Cass Dunn
Thank you so much for your time.
Alexis
Thank you so much for having me.
Cass Dunn
Crappy to Happy is created and produced by me, Cass Dunn.
Cass Dunn
If you enjoy the show, please hit the follow button wherever you listen to ensure you never miss an episode.
Cass Dunn
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Cass Dunn
Make sure you subscribe to the show or to my email list.
Cass Dunn
You can find the link on my website kastun.com thank you so much for being here and I cannot wait to catch you next week for another fabulous episode of Crappy to Happy.
